The Repression of Expression (aka writer's block)

A blank page stares at me

Thoughts tumbling

Bumbling inarticulately

Crumbling before I have

The chance to grasp hold

Unfold the untold

And get a grip

It’s icy cold, stinging my hand

Flinging the sand

My eyes are gritty and blurred

Mumblings slurred

I’m blind and dumb

Thrown in the slums

Tossed like a rag

And squashed like a plum

No one to hear

No one is here but my shadow

But as down goes the sun

So fades my one friend

Resounding my pain, calling my end

My face to the ground

No sound to relieve

No touch to receive on my skin

The sin within clutches and claws

A demon with jaws

Gnawing at my resolve

Finding the strand of a thought

Taking in hand

All I’ve been taught

Fighting and struggling

To reach my own kind

But still no words come to mind

Oh Love, My Delight

Oh love, my delight
Muse of mind
The thought of you warms
And chills me at once
It thrills me to think
Instills your image
In my will to remember
Though so far away you may be

Oh love, my delight
Muse of my mind
Your gentle assurance
Of my all consuming desire
Crushes disturbance and ire
Entrancing my soul
Allotting my dole
Securing my role by your side

Oh love. My delight
Muse of my mind
Your lingering fragrance
Is slowly dissipating
My courageous resolve
Is ever emaciating
In three little words
I miss you

Chasing The Horizon

i wrote this on the plane coming back from Taiwan...


Sunset chaser fearing twilight

Fleeing land to soar above

A metal beast, who dares to take flight

Leaving Home, forsaking Love



Haloed horizon, a sleepy frown

Turning my world upside down

A world apart from all I know

My trepidation starts to grow



Rows and rows of foreign faces

All flocking to the same destination

Twill never reach but still it chases

Trying to defy creation

Peace Giving Rain

Stranded in my own mind, I’ve been lonely for a long time
Carrying the weight of the world
I keep coming to these places with the same old empty faces
Looking for a touch to heal my heart
Just when I think I’ll break down on the floor and I can’t take it anymore

The rain pours down on my head
The rain pours down and washes through my soul
The rain pours down and gives me what I need
Cuz I got nothing left to bleed
When everything is not as it should be
The rain pours down

Feeling like a shadow and there’s no one who can tell how
Ever breath is labored when I speak
But there’s a God who knows my sad plight
And He came one day to make right
Carrying the sins of the world
Just when I think, there’s no hope left in me and this is all I’ll ever be

The rain pours down on my head
The rain pours down and washes through my soul
The rain pours down reminding me He’s near
And I’ve got nothing left to fear
When there’s nothing I can see past my own tears
The rain pours down

And when I try so hard to do it on my own
Then I stumble and fall and I find myself alone
When the rain pours down it reminds me again
That God is holding out His hand

And if I grab His hand he will lead me through life
And when I mess up again He’ll pull me up and hold me tight
When the rain pours down it gives me peace
And it’s like He’s talking just to me

When the rain pours down on my head
The rain pours down and washes through my soul
The rain pours down reminding me He’s near
And I’ve got nothing left to fear
When there’s nothing I can see past my own tears
The rain pours down

A little Morning Prayer

Good Morning God,
May my day be filled with thoughts of you
And may your grace transform my life anew
In all I say and all I do
God bless my heart, and others too.
Amen

i wrote this little prayer and taped it to the bottom of my bunk bed so that it's the first thing i see/read when i wake up to remind me of who i am and whose i am.

Carving Scars

Carving scars into my arms

Hearts for those
Love’s been torn
From

Stars for those
Dreaming out
Some

Nearer still
Nearly we’ll

Keep all things
Bound and gagged
Smiles sag
Drowning piles of
Ash

Flames for those
Whose flames are
Spent

Rainbows for those
Whose colors
Bent

Nearer still
Nearly we’ll

Keep all things
Written one by one
Neatly placed
Or jagged traced
Tooth and claw will
Gnash

this one is hard to explain. its one of those u either get or u dont

Strangled Hope

I’m grasping for a thread
Clinging to a strand
Dangling precariously
A grain amidst the sand

Voices screaming in my head
Perhaps a drink will drown them out
Dulling senses
Cleaving doubt

Pin pricked skin
Neatly sliced through
Might distract me
And send me to

A far off place
A distant space
Where I need never see that face
That taunts me as I sleep
And watches me when I wake
Just waiting for my soul to take
My heart to break
My life to shake

There’s a quaking in the way I speak
With cracking calluses on my feet
Drowning in my search for air
The tear rips further still
Until it stops

i wrote this over Christmas break. i was in a pretty dark place but im not there anymore

Let It Fall

Every time I see your face
It’s like I’m
Watchin you from outer space
Cuz you’re so far away

We’ve been

Goin down this lonely road
And im just
Tired of seein you on yer own
When I’m right by your side

Why do you push me out
And hold it in
Wont let me see
Your brokenness within

Just let it go
Let it fall
Let the pieces of your broken heart
Fall right into my arms
Hold nothing back
Don’t keep me at the place where
I can’t help at all
Just let it fall

Every time I look at you
Im tryin’ta
Figure out just what to do
Cuz your’re so different now

You used ta

Be there when I needed you
And you would
Hold me when you wanted to
But that’s all changed somhow

Why do you push me out
And hold it in
Wont let me see
Your brokenness within

Just let it go
Let it fall
Let the pieces of your broken heart
Fall right into my arms
Hold nothing back
Don’t keep me at the place where
I can’t help at all
Just let it fall

I Bet You Do

Do you send her those songs that you said were mine?
I bet you do
Do you look in her eyes and tell her they shine?
I bet you do
Do you remake those poems with her name in each line?
I bet you do
Do you tell her she is your first and only
That when you’re apart you get o so lonely
And you hope all her dreams will come true
I bet you do

Cause you are a smooth talker
You know just what to say to get your way and make em stay

Do you talk her into believing your lies?
I bet you do
Do you make her feel guilty whenever she cries?
I bet you do
Do you cut her down whenever she tries?
I bet you do
Do you tell her you want to get married someday
You wanna have kids and a backyard for play
Do you tell her you love her even though it’s not true
I bet you do

Cause you are a smooth talker
You know just what to say to get your way and make em stay
And everyday you build the walls up higher still
So you can’t love no one for real
And you never ever have to feel
Even with all those hearts you steal
Do you know what it’s like to be hurt and abused
To be played with and used
And wrongly accused
Do you know how it feels to be treated by you
I bet you do

He Is

I am a goofy laugh
A stretched out smile
And tiny squinty eyes perched on
Rounded dimpled cheeks

I am dark hair
And a warm snuggly hug
Delicious smelling cologne
Clinging to a polo shirt

I am curiously aware
Watching what goes on
Open, Honest, Interested
And I remember what you like

I am a gentle protective hand
Resting on your waist
Sending tingles through your skin
And butterflies to your tummy

I am a timid first kiss
Like bubbles touching in air
Bursting on contact and melting away
Leaving a sweet taste behind

I am a shoulder to cry on
Arms to hold you
Hands to help you
And a heart to love you

This is what I am

Collision

I can shut the world out by just closing my eyes
So simply that it takes no effort
One eyelid
Two
Thin layers of skin protecting me
Darkness is my solace
Keeps me from going insane
An emotionless mask graces my face, hiding me from all that I see
That I might be
I cannot see it coming, so therefore does it not come?
A car rushing towards me
Time freezes
And in the aftermath that teases I realize
A piece is missing from the puzzle
A crease in the fabric
A cease in the fire
From the sight of the beast and the screech of the tire
To the loudest silence I’ve ever heard
Panic
Tears forming
Breath heaving
Satanic
A ghostly thought creeps in my soul
Is this it?
I’m sickened to the point of dread
A mistake I can’t take back
No rewind button, no do over to play
My eyes close again keeping demons at bay
The angry jaws locked on my hood
A heinous flaw etched in the glass
And pain
Unrelenting and unforgiving
A shout pregnant with anger and blame
Snakes its way across the smoky battlefield
To my…undamaged ear
A hammer and chisel
Chipping hastily away at my fragile composure
And down fall the tears
As confirmed are my fears
That this…
This is big
Too big for me
Is this really my fault?
What have I done?
Guilt and fear, shame and dread
With the small consolation that…
At least no one’s dead
But that glaring crunch in the hood of my car
Locked on the bumper of a big SUV
Our scar of cars ripped on a one lane road
And the sound of the sirens that strode on the air
A rush to our aid
A blush on my face
Telling my side was only a waste
Repeating my name and age for the umpteenth time
With head and wrist throbbing
And an unsettling ringing in my deafened ear
Until every paramedic, firefighter, and cop
Had viewed the place where we came to a stop
Furrowed brow, streaming tears
The fear almost gone
But something’s not right
It still feels all wrong
Lurking in the back
An eerie sneering gremlin
But pain and hurt trump this thought
Locking it away in a tight box
Soon all I know are comforting arms and caresses